How to Make a Good Ashley Madison Profile

AshleyMadison.com is probably the biggest reasons I got into the whole mistress thing. At happy hour during a business conference, some co-workers and I were watching some news tidbit on Ashley Madison and being fairly drunk, we all went back to our hotel room and made profiles. I put a few scandalous photos up on my private photos section and watched the men roll in. The first week was rather insane as I tried to respond to everyone who sent me a message or wink. I then started getting more picky with whom I corresponded and things got more interesting, which I mean in only the best ways. Here are some ideas for your own profile and some suggestions on what to look for if you're new to Ashley Madison:

1.  This gentleman has no profile picture but he has some available. I'm fine with someone having no picture or a blurry profile picture if they have Private Showcase photos available. If you're serious about not getting caught, you're not going to post a picture of yourself. How much stupider can you be?
2. The AM seal is probably the most important feature of any AM profile for a gentleman. While women can send and receive messages for free, men must pay for credits to put towards communication. If that seal isn't there ladies, he's not serious.
3. A username and headline can mean a lot. Generic usernames like "Downtown23562" are fine, best even. It makes it harder for someone to detect an identity. However, sometimes someone using a generic name can be really dedicated to finding someone, or they're just some horny 20 year looking to get their rocks off. "DowntownLawyer" is okay, but there is a chance it can easily identify someone to a spouse. If you have "2Hot2Horny," I'm not going to respond to your requests for my key or your messages.
   3a. A profile headline can say a lot in only a few words. This man's headline is acceptable. If you have some sexual pun or innuendo like "Cum inside for sum fun!" I'm not going to bother with you. 

Here's an example of a bad profile, so let's see what you remember from the past lesson, shall we?

 (Identifying details have been blacked out to protect the stupid.)

1.  He put his picture and his profile states he's attached.
2. I blacked it out, but his username was pretty specific.
3. His profile headline is rather whiny.

I was able to not only get this man's work address, but his home address as well. Personal security aside, do you know how easily a spouse can find you? This man may be very nice, a good lover, but discretion does not appear to be one of his better values.

Once you get past the basic demographic part of the profile comes the written portion of the AM test:

All of the portions of the written part have checkboxes where you can tick off stuff you're into, turn on, activities you enjoy, etc. I look at those but don't give them much thought. What I look at is what people actually write. This gentleman does a decent if slightly vague of expressing himself. If I received a message from him and his profile met all my other criteria, I'd write him back.

Other things I look at when choosing to respond:

• You're local: traveling businessmen are a dime a dozen. I'm a mistress, not a one night stand. If you need sex that badly when you're only in town once a month consider Craigslist or Back Page. 
• You filled out your profile: I understand that many people won't fill out their profile in concerns of being found out, but when I receive 20 messages a day that I have to sort through, yours will most likely just be deleted if there's not even a hint of information about what you enjoy. At least check off what you enjoy sexually.
  
• Grandiose anything: Many will state in their profiles about taking you on cruises or vacations. That's a bit of a red flag to me. Within this world it's very common to go on vacations with your mistress but nobody should mention it upfront. However, it is very common and acceptable for someone to say they're generous. It's expected.

Like any other social network, don't post your name, phone number, workplace, etc. I only give out very basic information until the first meeting, and even then I'm tight with information until I feel comfortable. Discretion is going to be found in all areas of an affair, it's not just keeping your mouth shut.

The most basic piece of advice for Ashley Madison? Never kiss and tell.